I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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