So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
