it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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