apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
