They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
