Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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