I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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