i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
