Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
