im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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