It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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