I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
