You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
