We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
