but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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