you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
