Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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