he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
