I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
