3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
