I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Im part way to drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
