I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
