I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Randomize
