I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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