Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
