I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize