you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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