He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
bring money and cleavage
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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