Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
