im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
