im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
