Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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