if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
