Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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