You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
