dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
