My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
