Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
