Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
