Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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