votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
