I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i love accidental penises.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
