You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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