If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
