I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
