im six kinds of drunk right now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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