happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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