I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
