Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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