If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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