Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
