so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
