There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
