miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
