he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
