It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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