her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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