You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
