hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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