Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
