I want to make a zoo with you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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