i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
